i don't quite know how to say . .

in my head : honey and the moon - joseph arthur

it's been a long time since i've actually written a decent post . way back when things were supremely more/less complicated ( i can't quite decide ) , i'd spend hours in front of the mac throwing out post after post . these days it seems i can't even organise my thoughts in a way that would make sense to me .

in retrospect , the decision to leave singapore for two years was one that was made way too abruptly . i will admit i'm more likely to run away from things that ( a ) i don't have the answers to or ( b ) i do have the answers to but i just don't like the answer . amidst the heartbreak and the abuse , it was time for me to go ; now all i can do is wait anxiously for 2009 - it really can't come soon enough .

i have to admit that the arguments that i've had in the past 4 days trump everything i've ever experienced ( not even the huge net-a-porter sale can save me ) . it's a constant struggle every day to justify why i'm with the people that i'm with . i could list a million reasons why these individuals are toxic and i should just do a full-on detox ( aside : if you haven't heard oprah is going vegan for 21 days as part of a detox plan ) . the truth of the matter is he saw right through me in the beginning - i am an idealist . i cling on to the hope that maybe someday he'll figure out that he doesn't always have to be right or perfect with me and i'll love him just as much , maybe more . i grasp feebly to the belief that maybe someday she'll realise that friendship is worth so much more than just 'what i want/me/what it could be' .

when i was younger , i never quite bought into the whole notion of bestfriends , or even friends for that matter. there was family and there were people who wanted a piece of you or wanted to hang out with you until someone better , more special , more novel came along . i've lost sight of that for a long time . i sold out . everyone is/was a friend/bestfriend . i have to be brutally honest now ; for myself , for sanity's sake .

if you're blessed ( or pray hard enough ) , you'll run into fiz somewhere in your life . this is one guy who will literally drop everything just to be by your side . he asks for nothing , except what you're willing to give . he puts you ahead of himself and doesn't even expect you to do the same . he's never missed my call and is the only one who bothers to make international calls " just to find out how i am " . he's talented at what he does , an amazing son , a thoughtful brother and most of all , the best friend anyone could possibly have . if i were you , i'd be on my knees , palms clasped in prayer and asking the man above to grant the opportunity to have him in my life .

how we ended up as friends is dumbfounding . the first time we met was during orientation and let me tell you now , shane was one grumpy mother fucker . of course he's told me time again he was up watching soccer the night before and my overly effervescent attitude was pretty damm annoying ( i do admit that i was a tad over exuberant ) . i don't quite remember how or why but shane's always held the shovel when it came time to scrape me off the floor . he's listened to me rant and rave drunk/sober , crying/screaming all over the world . he's made me laugh and cry with the most ridiculous anecdotes and one-liners ; an amazing son , a thoughtful brother and most of all , the best friend anyone could possibly have . if i were you , i'd scramble to find him on facebook and concoct a story to introduce myself . ladies , he responds to nudity too.

while i know these two like to think they're worlds apart , they're actually more alike than they care to recognise . i've never been prouder to call hafiz and shane my best friends .

i'm not going to apologise for not mentioning you in this post . if you're not on , you probably don't deserve to be . you don't call , you talk to me only when time permits or i have something you want . grow up honey , it isn't always about you and what you want , when you want it . if he /they/it means much more to you than what this is , it's about time i grew up too .




xoxoxo ,
soho